If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
