considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
it's like heaven, but drunker
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
