You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
