I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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