Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
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