i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
