Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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