Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
