She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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