i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
