he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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