Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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