Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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