Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
