This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
