The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
