At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
