New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
