it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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