we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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