He uses pillows to masturbate.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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