i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
