Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
