I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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