I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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