you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
