That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
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Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
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Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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