i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
