be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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