I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
