He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
