I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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