I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
