between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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