I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
