the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
