This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
