I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
