so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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