I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
