life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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