Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my vag is so smooth its legendary
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
