I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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