My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My life is pants optional.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
