ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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