My nipple is on Facebook.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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