Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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