she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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