literally had 100 drinks last night.
Someone shit on the floor
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
