he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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