Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
