In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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