My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
