You just made me feel so damn special
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
