You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
