I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
