Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
